Putting the Soul
back in Psychology!
The bottom line: Someone has to sacrifice their wants first. Whomever does, is the loving person; the Winner.
If and when we are not loving (respectful) to someone whom ("we think") is being unloving (disrespectful) to us, then we are also an unloving (disrespectful) person. And if we are wrong about how we think others are being unloving, then we are also an unloving person. We cannot know who is actually the more unloving person, because that judgment has to include what the individual has or has not been taught, his or her level of ability to understand Truth, and how the individual was or was not treated by everyone throughout their childhood, and what the individual is actually trying to "accomplish" through their behaviors...none of which we can fully know about any other person (even our own children). If we think others are more unloving than ourselves, then we can almost guarantee that we are equally so, or the more unloving one.
We rationalize and justify all day long (whether consciously or subconsciously) that those who are unloving to us don't deserve love while we are doing nothing wrong, so we are the deserving one.
But the Truth is that Love (respect) is not earned/deserved; Love (respect) is a free gift. And if Love is not given while wanting nothing in return, it's NOT Love.
"Love (respect) is not earned/deserved." is a Truth that very few humans believe much less live by.
Instead, our automatic reaction is some form of "They don't deserve it!" (aka "But they did X!") We are literally making choices rationalizing and justifying why it's okay for us to be unloving/disrespectful (angry; controlling; mean; nasty; hateful; selfish; etc.) because, "They started it!" Who is the 5 year old in the room?
When we think we have done enough to earn the love of others and then we don't receive love, we typically respond unlovingly (whether that be passive or aggressive). In the same manner, when we think the other person hasn't earned our love aka "doesn't deserve love", we don't give it (whether that be passive or aggressive).
We are hypocrites because we don't deserve love either (no matter how much we think we do) and we are usually trying to selfishly use others on some level and/or we are doing something else wrong in some detail in how we are responding/handling most if not all situations.
But we don't even know how we are being unloving because we focus solely, or much more so, on how unloving the other person is being and how to make them start being loving or stop being unloving (which means we are also being selfish using control freaks) while we are failing to ask Jesus to show us how we are being unloving in how we are responding or failing to respond to others.
Or, we are only focused on how we feel bad in response to the other person being unloving and rather than taking an immediate "time out" to go get our self-inflicted feelings healed by Jesus, we try to make the other person start doing something or stop doing something because we believe that their behaviors are making us feel bad (including interfering with us getting our "needs" met). (All of which is blaming our feelings on others while thinking that "our way" is a "need" only because we don't want to feel uncomfortable for even a second, including physically.)
The other unloving person doesn't know how they are being unloving either because they think YOU are being unloving by not doing or not giving or not stopping what they want while they are also blaming all their feelings on you. Everyone is the pot and the kettle (pot calling the kettle black). The bottom line: Someone has to sacrifice their wants first. Whomever does, is the loving person; the Winner.
Just as with Forgiveness (which is loving), giving love in all the other virtuous ways is primarily between us and God. Meaning we can and need to interiorly Forgive others, even if they are not sorry and are still behaving badly, but we don't give them their unloving way. Because lack of Forgiveness makes US psychologically suffer; not the other person. It is the same for all of the other Virtues. When we fail to be loving in any way, we make ourselves psychologically suffer; that IS our feelings of: hurt, offended, upset, depression, anxiety (worry; fear; stress), and anger, etc.
And every time we are a loving person, we are being like God (Truth-Love) and meeting our real psychological needs. Every time we are unloving in any detail degree (whether we think so or not), we are being like a demon (evil) and we are harming ourselves psychologically.
If this is True, then why we do we feel emotionally bad when we give others their way and we don't get our way, but we feel emotionally better after we get angry and get our way?
1) Our feelings do NOT determine Truth/reality. We are NOT GOD! We can feel temporarily good instantaneously about what is also psychologically and/or physically harming us that is evil, simply because we want it. Desires and beliefs cause feelings. For example, we may want to be angry so we cover up feeling afraid, hurt, or depressed, but anger is also psychologically harmful; period. And all of us, but one, wants to sin/be unloving, especially when we think someone else is unloving first.
2) When we first try to stop doing what we rightly know is unloving, but we don't want to in some degree because we still believe lies about it, then we will cause ourselves all kinds of emotional suffering. We are NOT to base our decisions on our feelings. And we need to seek self-awarness from Jesus for the lies we believe, be sorry for believing them, and ask Him to heal them.
3) We don't really know how to be loving. So when we "think" we are being loving, we very well may NOT be in some detail, and vice versa: something that IS loving we may think is not. Both of which will make us feel bad, because we are failing to act in Truth-Love either interiorly in belief and desire, and/or exteriorly in word and deed.
For these reasons, plus the demonic influential factors that we are failing to properly protect ourselves from, it can be difficult for us to be loving and learn how to be loving. We are very ignorant, stubborn, lazy, think we know it all, easily confused and easily fooled. This is why we need to NOT expect ourselves nor others to be perfect already, while we keep working on trying to become so. If we are honest with ourselves and others by saying, "I'm sorry I don't have [anymore] love to give you right now." and "No worries, I understand and accept that you can't be [more] loving right now." these could be very helpful if communicated sincerely and lovingly. Phrases such as: "I'm sorry." and "I understand and accept you." along with forgiveness, need to be the primary part of our daily communicative repertoire.
The Truth is that if we aren't loving to an unloving person, then we are also an unloving person which proves we don't know how to be loving either. Sometimes giving another person "their way" does constitute being loving, while sometimes it does not. Only if we ask Jesus every moment to show us what the Truth is and how to be Loving, and wanting to know how we are ignorant and wrong, while cooperating with and obeying Him...will we even be able to learn how to be a loving person. This is a life long, slow effortful process of learning and practicing, which primarily includes asking Jesus every moment to make us self-aware of what lies we are believing and thinking and get those, along with the bad emotions they are causing inside of us, permanently healed.